I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
