Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
