Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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