I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
