I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
