Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
