After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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