We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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