me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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