If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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