So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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