We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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