my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
