i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
