dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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