I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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