I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
