Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
