We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
