getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
