when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
