Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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