Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
how drunk are you?
Several
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
