what day is it and did you see me today?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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