I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
