He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
