They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
