my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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