U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
