Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
