did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
