And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
