Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
