Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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