Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
