I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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