3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
