I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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