I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
