I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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