I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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