Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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