Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
