its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
