Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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