Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
