Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
