Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
