Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
