This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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