I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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