I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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