Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
