My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
