Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
