walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
