I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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