I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
