I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
