Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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