I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
