I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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